SELF--ESTEEM &BUDDISM

SOME POSSIBLE SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM:
(Note: these are mainly my personal views, not strictly Buddhist)
- Guilt: paralysing form of self-torture; seeing one's imperfections and believing improvement is beyond possibilities.
- Scepticism/being over-critical; unrealistic expectation of perfection, reasoning that, "I am not perfect, so I'm worthless". Scepticism and cynicism are sometimes called "crystallised forms of anger", and can be detrimental to yourself, as you may only be focussing on faults of yourself, and rarely allow yourself to enjoy good things. In cynicism, the fear and distrust are taken one step further, thinking, "They are imperfect, they are worthless".
- Unforgiving: unrealistic expectation of perfection, reasoning that "People should be perfect, I and others are not perfect, and no one can be forgiven for not being perfect."
- "I could never do this, I can only ...": focus on my own limits rather than on my possibilities for growth and improvement. "I am not perfect" may be very true, but is that not the best possible reason for trying to improve oneself in a disciplined manner by being positive and helping others?
- Self-shame: keeping secrets about oneself: "I am disgusting, strange, weird, stupid, ugly". This creates a negative spiral, "others never talk about it, so I must be really weird"; based on the delusion: "I should be perfect, because others are".
- Pride: if one is genuinely self-confident, there is no need for pride; only an empty balloon can be 'blown up'. It is based on the unrealistic view: "Others should be perfect and are not, but I am better". To cover up their own insecurity, a fair amount of people act out pride, as if they are better than others, but only because they lack self-confidence.
- Improper humility: not regarding oneself as equal to others, but less than others. Humility is a positive quality as it avoids pride and is other-centered, often driven by active compassion for others. Lack of self-confidence however, is often self-centred (feeling sorry for oneself and looking for excuses to not change your own situation) and paralyses you from doing positive actions. In fact, this kind of false humility is categorised under pride.
- Idolising people: overestimating others is based on - or will easily lead to - underestimating oneself, see improper humility.
- Fear, uncertainty to: make mistakes, be abnormal, not be liked, change, be hurt or of responsibility. Fear closes the heart and mind off from the outside; leaving you alone! Based on the misunderstanding: "I should be perfect", which is simply unrealistic.
- Acting to be a perfect person instead of being myself: if I am self-confident, I don't need to behave like someone else; see pride. Instead of leading to praise, others may easily pierce through the facade and uncover my acting.

His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama in 'Songs of spiritual change' (translated by Glenn Mullin):
"What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible, is obvious?
One's own faults, that are precisely as obvious as the effort made to hide them.

- Feeling: "the world is a bad place"; note that the world is often a mirror of what we think of ourselves; a negative world image and negative self-image can be two sides of the same coin; reflects expectation of an unrealistic perfect world. The world is neither perfect nor all bad.
- Laziness: (in Buddhism defined as "being attached to temporary pleasure, not wanting to do virtue or only little".) The reason for this kind of laziness could be based on the fear responsibility or making mistakes, based on the unrealistic:"I should be perfect and not make mistakes, so I better do nothing at all".
- Depression: indulging in self-pity, closed-heartedness: based on "I am not perfect and therefore pitiful".
- Lack of trust in others; when you never open your heart to others, it is hard for them to open their hearts to you. Without this openness, we are likely to start asking ourselves if we are 'normal' without getting any feedback. At the same time, when we do not open our heart to others, they will usually not open their hearts to us. In that way, we never discover that others struggle with the same problems as we ourselves do. Real communication will simply prove there is nothing to be ashamed of to begin with - we are all humans.

SOME THOUGHTS ON LOW SELF ESTEEM
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama:

"One can be deceived by three types of laziness:
of indolence, which is the wish to procrastinate;
the laziness of inferiority, which is doubting your capabilities;
and the laziness that is attachment to negative actions, or putting great effort into non-virtue."

A remark of late Lama Yeshe:

"We have to understand the middle path: that a human has a positive and a negative side.
We have a false, ignorant side, but we also have a beautiful potential - Buddha nature."

Question: If we have committed a serious negative act, how can we let go of the feeling of guilt that may follow?
Answer by His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

"In such situations, where there is a danger of feeling guilty and therefore depressed, the Buddhist point of view advises adopting certain ways of thinking and behaving which will enable you to recover your self-confidence. A Buddhist may reflect on the nature of the mind, on its essential purity, and in what way disturbing thoughts and their subsequent emotions are of an entirely different nature. Because such disturbing emotions are adventitious, they can be eliminated.
To think of the immense well of potential hidden deep within our being, to understand that the nature of the mind is fundamental purity and kindness and to meditate on its luminosity, will enable you to develop self-confidence and courage.
The Buddha says in the Sutras that fully enlightened and omniscient beings, whom we consider to be superior, did not spring from the bowels of the earth, nor did they fall from the sky; they are the result of spiritual purification. Such beings were once as troubled as we are now, with the same weaknesses and flaws of ordinary beings.
Shakyamuni Buddha himself, prior to his enlightenment, lived in other incarnations that were far more difficult than our present lives. To recognize, in all its majesty, our own potential for spiritual perfection is an antidote to guilt, disgust, and hopelessness.
Nagarjuna says in "The Precious Garland of Advice for the King" that pessimism and depression never help in finding a good solution to any problem. On the other hand, arrogance is just as negative. But to present as an antidote to it a posture of extreme humility may tend to foster a lack of self-confidence and open the door to depression and discouragement. We would only go from one extreme to the other.
I would like to point out that to set out on a retreat for three years full of hope and expectations, thinking that without the slightest difficulty you will come out of it fully enlightened, can turn into a disaster, unless you undertake it with the most serious intentions. If you overestimate your expectations and have too much self-confidence, you will be headed for dissatisfaction and disillusionment. When you think of what the Buddha said - that perfect enlightenment is the result of spiritual purification and an accumulation of virtues and wisdom for eons and eons - it is certain that courage and perseverance will arise to accompany you on the path."

12-year old Kelly Lin (from the Sokai Gakkai site):

"I think that self-confidence is very important. If you have low self-esteem, you will not dream up goals because you will think that it is impossible to reach them. Without goals, however, life would be meaningless and boring. Having a goal is like putting an apple in front of a horse, to make it move forward. Each time you reach your goal, your self-confidence grows stronger and you are encouraged to set a new goal. Each time you accomplish something you set out to do, you get a good feeling. This feeling cannot be taken away from you.
You don't feel good because you are better than someone else; you feel good because of personal achievement. After you have reached a goal, you must continue to set goals in order to move forward in life. Why stop when you have nothing to stop you? The Buddha does not decide if you will be successful in life; you decide whether or not you will achieve your goals. No one can guarantee that you will have a good life, but many people can help by inspiring you, putting some sense into you or getting you on the right track. The Buddha is a role model for many people. You can look up to him and try to be like him."

Zen Master Linji, as translated by Thomas Cleary (Note that this original statement is from the ninth century!)

"What I point out to you is only that you shouldn't allow yourselves to be confused by others. Act when you need to, without further hesitation or doubt. People today can't do this... what is the affliction? Their affliction is their lack of self-confidence. If you do not spontaneously trust yourself sufficiently, you will be in a frantic state, pursuing all sorts of objects, unable to be independent."

- We can only learn by admitting we don't know everything yet, we can only grow if we accept that we are not perfect, just like everyone else around us.
- Be light, humorous, eager to learn, courageous to change and not afraid of making mistakes.
- Emotionally beating yourself up is not helping yourself or the world; it does not change the past, nor does it change the future; it only makes the present miserable.

Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda Maha Thera:

Do It Yourself
Self confidence plays an important part in every aspect of man's life. Knowing that no external sources, no faith or rituals can save him, the Buddhist feels the need to rely on his own efforts. He gains confidence through self-reliance. He realizes that the whole responsibility of his present life as well as his future life depends completely on himself alone. Each must seek salvation for himself.
Achieving salvation can be compared to curing a disease: if one is ill, one must go to a doctor. The doctor diagnose the ailment and prescribes medicine. The medicine must be taken by the person himself. He cannot depute someone else to take the medicine for him. No one can be cured by simply admiring the medicine or just praising the doctor for his good prescription. In order to be cured, he himself must faithfully follow the instructions given by the doctor with regard to the manner and frequency in taking his medicine, his daily diet and other relevant medical restraints.
Likewise, a person must follow the precepts, instructions or advice given by the Buddha (who gives prescriptions for liberation) by controlling or subduing one's greed, hatred and ignorance. No one can find salvation by simply singing praises of the Buddha or by making offerings to Him. Neither can one find salvation by celebrating certain important occasions in honour of the Buddha. Buddhism is not a religion where people can attain salvation by mere prayer or begging to be saved. They must strive hard by controlling their selfish desires and emotions in order to gain salvation.

From 'Love & Compassion' by His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

Compassion Helps Communication.
Compassion also brings us an inner strength. Once it is developed, it naturally opens an inner door, through which we can communicate with fellow human beings, and even other sentient beings, with ease, and heart to heart.
On the other hand, if you feel hatred and ill feeling towards others, they may feel similarly toward you, and as a result, suspicion and fear will create a distance between you and make communication difficult. You will then feel lonely and isolated. Not all members of your community will have similar negative feelings toward you, but some may look on you negatively because of your own feeling. If you harbour negative feelings toward others and yet expect them to be friendly to you, you are being illogical.
If you want the atmosphere around you to be more friendly, and must first create the basis for that. Whether the response of others is positive or negative, you must first create the ground of friendliness. If others respond to you negatively after this, then you have the right to act accordingly.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama from 'Dzogchen'

The path to genuine co-operation is again through sincere compassion and love. Sometimes we misunderstand compassion as being nothing more than a feeling of pity. Compassion is much, much more. It embraces not only a feeling of closeness, but also a sense of responsibility. When you develop compassion, it will help you enormously to generate inner strength and self-confidence, and to reduce your feelings of fear and insecurity. So compassion and love, embodied in an attitude of altruism, are qualities that are of tremendous importance for the individual, as well as for society and the community .

The crux of the problem under discussion in this article is the following
(a). Life is admixture of negative & positive-sometimes the two intermingling & sometimes
one almost merging into the other by following its own direction.Paths of Good & Evil
being separate, each one of them has its own direction to follow; but the process of
merging is altogether a different phenomenon. For example, envy is a +ve feeling, but i
it is likely to turn into jealousy; if allowed to remain unchecked.

(b).Perfection is merely an ideal, only striven to be achieved; and only Saints, sages, and prophets could achieve this ideal. This doesn't, however, mean that we human eings
are worthless; because we keep striving for this ideal which helps us in goal-setting etc.

(c).What was the lifetime achievement of the above referred sages, saints, and prophets
the evolution of modern psychology has helped us achieve rather easily. Besides the
study of human brain & techniques of parapsychology have made the ask asier.Para-
normal phenomena such as ESP, Telekinesis, and Telepathy also stand explained.

Apart from it , the wisdom of ages such as Reiki, Acupuncture, and Theosophy stood not only explained, but also harnessed for the service of mankind Similarly some of the techniques discovered by Lord Buddha were revived by men like Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in his technique of Trqnscendental Meditation. These techniques have been explained in the discipline of Cybernetics-the discipline being headed in the UN by a Pakistani of Kafristan origin nown as Dr Arshad Malik. So on & so forth. Why should we be surprised, if this ancient wisdom is also being used in the recently evolved discipline of Management?

Jameel Zaidi